高考英语语法:高中英语语法-英语习作评改

英语习作评改

一、写作提示：

假如你是某外语学校的学生，名叫李华。请就你校食堂的状况（ canteen service ）给校长写封信。

优点 不足 建议

食堂干净 价格偏高

饭菜可口 种类偏少 尽快解决

服务态度好 等候时间较长

注意：

1. 词数 100 左右。

2. 开头已为你写好，不计入总词数。

Dear Mr. Principal，

I'm a senior student of our school. I'd like to say something about the canteen service in our school …

二、学生习作：

Dear Mr. Principal，

I'm a senior student of our school. I'd like to say something about the canteen service in our school. The hall is clean and tidy， but the price of meals is a little too high. The dishes look nice and delicious to eat， but there are a limited variety of dishes with little change every week. The service is good， but we have to stand in line for a long time before we can get the meal. I suggest something should be done to solve the problem.

Yours

Li Hua

该篇习作将表格中的内容基本上表达了出来，也没有严重的语法错误，但是仍存在着诸多问题：一段写下来，主题不明，缺乏条理；表达生硬，句式单调，语气不够委婉；字数偏少，不合要求。该文得分 13 分。

三、评改措施：

①分段。一个好的段落必须紧扣一个中心思想或中心思想的某一方面。该习作虽采用了对比的手法，但只是按照表格中的顺序进行对比，把所有的要点安排在一个段落，让人读后找不出中心思想。可把它分为两段：第一段写食堂的优点；第二段写食堂的不足，同时提出建议。

②使用过度词。根据句与句之间的关系，可灵活准确地使用过渡词，如 what's more， besides， in addition， therefore 等。段与段之间根据对比或对照关系可使用 however 等。

③合理增加细节。如：为说明服务态度好，在 The dishes look nice and taste delicious as well 后添加了一句 What's more， the workers there treat us as their friends …，在提缺点时加了 we feel …等句。（见下文中画线部分）

④使用委婉形式：在提建议时可用 May I suggest … ？ 代替 I suggest .同时注意书信中的礼貌用语，如： Thanks for your consideration. 这些都符合真实的书信交往，也很容易让人接受。

⑤使用较为复杂的结构：为避免句式单调，可将简单句、并列句、复合句并用。同时也可使用独立主格结构、非谓语动词等。

修改之后：

Dear Mr. Principal，

I'm a senior student of our school. I'd like to say something about the canteen service in our school. The hall is clean and tidy. The dishes look nice and taste delicious as well. What's more， the workers there treat us as their friends， which makes us feel very happy.

However， we feel the price of the meal is a little high. Besides， we can only have a limited variety of dishes with little change every week. In addition， we often have to stand in line for a long time before we can get the meal. You could understand how precious time is to us students. Therefore， may I suggest something be done to solve the problem so that we can all enjoy our meals at school？

Thanks for your consideration.

Yours

Li Hua

不难看出，修改后的文章语言准确、层次清晰、内容充实、表达多样、意思连贯，是一篇很难得的佳作。